Love Is…

by John Flores

Hey everyone. I know it’s been over a week since my last blog. It’s not that I didn’t want to write, I was just not in a place to write my feelings into words. Aside from losing the 7 GnR pups, I also lost 3 more dogs that I either fostered or previously fostered with the latest loss being a 3 legged retriever/chow mix named, Wolf.

I will never forget the day Wolf was surrendered. His fluffy golden hair was a matted mess and he came in hopping along with all 3 of his legs. When you volunteer at the shelter you love all the dogs but there are always those certain ones that just stick out and have that instant connection with. Wolf was one of those dogs for me. And as much as I wanted to foster him at the time, I had just lost the GnR pups and still had Sully, Lilly and Ziggy at my house. The timing just wasn’t right but I knew the minute someone took some time to meet him they would fall in love and he would have a better shot at finding his forever home at Priceless Pets rather than at my house.

By his 2^nd week there, Wolf started to get sick. He had come down with kennel cough which we treated accordingly but it seemed to be getting worse. I received a text early Saturday morning that they thought Wolf was dead in his kennel but he had started to move soon after that. He had enough strength to walk out of his kennel and outside only to collapse about 100 feet away from the door. I quickly rushed over there. By the time I got there I saw Wolf lying on the ground with one of our other volunteers. We grabbed a cot put him on it and carried him to the vet which was conveniently in the same parking lot.

After losing a total of 9 puppies in the past 2 weeks it was a struggle for me to keep my thoughts positive but that’s exactly what I did. As Wolf was lying on the vets table, I patted his head and told him I would be back for him later in the day after they gave him some meds and gave him a kiss on his head. As I turned to walk away I looked back and Wolf was on his feet, with a determined look on his face. I told him to lie back down and I would pick him up in a few hours.

Seeing him stand up erased any doubts in my mind he would be fine. When I came to get him he came trotting out of the room as only a 3 legged dog can. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of being around one, you understand what I’m talking about! He was smiling and wagging his tail. He jumped in my car and even stood on my center console to stare out the window as we drove home. I could tell he was having trouble breathing but I had his meds, a comfortable place to sleep and plenty of love to give him. He would be better in no time!

He got to my house and I put him in his foster room. I gave him some water (which he eagerly drank) and let him rest. I came back out to see him a few hours later and I decided to let him soak in the sun in the backyard. It hadn’t been as hot as the previous days. In fact, it was just about as perfect a day as you could get in Southern California. I watched him from inside the house and it was almost as if he refused to lie down but he wasn’t pacing back and forth like he was stressed out. He was hopping around looking like he was having the time of his life. I saw him chasing after birds and even tried to play with a cat that was in the backyard. Every now and then he would lie down and roll around in the grass. He would stop briefly to catch his breath as it was evident he was having trouble breathing. A friend of mine had suggested getting him a humidifier to help break up all that stuff that was making him congested.

Before I left to go buy the humidifier, I went outside to hang out with Wolf. I didn’t see him when I walked out there so I called for him and he came around the corner hopping to me. He looked so happy. I sat down with him and he rolled on his back for me while I rubbed his belly. I told him as soon as he got better I was taking him to Pup’s Parlor to get groomed because his fur was a mess. It was literally one of the most perfect moments I’ve ever had with a dog.

I went inside to grab my keys but before I left I went to check on Wolf. When I saw him all I could see was his back. He was curled up in a ball and the first thing I thought to myself was, “Finally!! He’s sleeping.” After a few seconds I realized Wolf had gone to sleep for good. I refused to believe it so I went back in the house took a few deep breaths and walked back out with every intention of Wolf waking up. I called his name but he didn’t move. I got a little closer to put my hand on his back and that’s when I realized he had taken his last breath. I put his head in my lap, kissed him on his head and began rocking him. I don’t know that I’ve ever sobbed and cried the way I did that day. I kept telling him I was sorry over and over again, hoping he would wake up. After a few minutes I wrapped him up in a blanket but still left his head out, just in case he woke up, which he never did.

I spent the rest of the day feeling like I failed him. I kept second guessing myself and asking myself, “Did I let him run around too much?” “He still had a few more hours before he was supposed to take his medicine. Should I have just given him his meds early?” “What if I had never gone inside to get my keys and sat there with him. Would things be different?” I had everyone telling me I didn’t fail him but when a dog dies on your watch you tend to feel different. There was nothing anyone could really tell me to make me feel otherwise.

While I was mourning the loss of Wolf, I received a phone call from Mandy asking me if I could pick up another dog named, Chewy. He was suffering from a pretty severe case of kennel cough and was going into depression. How could I say no? With an extremely heavy heart, I went to pick up Chewy.

It wasn’t until the next morning that everything became clear. What I thought was a string of bad luck wasn’t bad luck at all. These things happen to animals all the time. Dogs get dumped all day every day and they die. And the more I get involved and the deeper I get, the more I will get exposed to this but this is not “bad luck” at all. It’s reality. It’s my reality, now.

But I will never stop doing this and I will never stop loving these dogs and crying over their loss. I will never stop loving these unwanted dogs. And it’s not about how LONG I get to love them but all about how MUCH I love them. My last moments with Wolf were the most devastating and the most beautiful all at the same time. Much like Portland took her last breath to make room for Ziggy, Wolf took his to make room for Chewy. Ziggy and Chewy have plenty of breaths left in them and I was lucky enough to share Wolf and Portland’s last one.

There’s not a foster I’ve had that I wouldn’t do all over again. I will always cherish those last moments with Wolf. Like I said earlier, I don’t know that I could ever have a more perfect moment with a dog. There will be plenty more tears shed but I know they will never be wasted tears.

Thank you everyone for all your comments, text and words of encouragement. I had a weak moment and although it took a little bit to soak in, they definitely helped!!

And most of all, thank you, Wolf. Thank you for choosing me to spend your last moments here on this Earth. I love you, buddy.

John Flores

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